Who landed themselves on Birdzoff Birdie’s Naughty & Nice List this year?
In this very official roundup of birds that Birdzoff has deterred over the years, the line is drawn between the naughtiest and nicest birds. While some of these rulings may seem arbitrary, there was a detailed rubric with which bird species were judged.
In all seriousness, Birdie has a mind of its own and rarely shares its musings with the Birdzoff team aside from the insightful snippets you see on this list. These are only opinions of a giant bird that walks like a human. Birdie wants its audience to know that “everyone is entitled to their own, wrong opinions.”
Starting off with the iconic seagull (the name is an inaccurate generalization of seabirds in the gull family). From stealing chips and ice cream to covering marine facilities with droppings, gulls have landed themselves on Birdie’s naughty list. Their incessant squawking ensures that peace is a rare experience during beach day. The one thing we can be grateful for is that they do a solid job at cleaning up any food scraps left out.
Next we have the even more iconic bald eagle, commonly known as America’s beloved national bird. Being majestic, easily identifiable, and certainly not nepotism are reasons that landed the bald eagle on the nice list and selected as the coveted title as Birdie’s Top Choice. With eyes that can see what’s in front of them better than a psychic, these birds represent the USA with class and without glasses. Though, we are left to wonder why they haven’t addressed their baldness. Perhaps they wouldn’t want to be mistaken for their lesser-known cousins, the golden eagles.
The stinkiest specimen with a crappy reputation, the cormorant finds itself on the naughty list. From bathroom habits that can be called nothing less than unsanitary and inconsiderate, these birds leave behind a reputation of being a nuisance. Their behavior isn’t benefited by their utter lack of coordination and grace when it comes to perching and balancing. Birdie joked that cormorants didn’t have any redeeming qualities, but this list requires at least one, so Birdie folded and admitted they were pretty good at fishing.
The California condor has set its species apart from others with its outstanding comeback. Aided by legislation and non-profit efforts to rehabilitate a population of 22 in 1982, the condors repopulated effectively over the years. While their numbers have recently been affected by the avian flu, Birdie sends its support and belief in the resilience of their populations. The California condor earned its spot on the nice list for years to come. Birdie definitely recommends adding a nice SPF and maybe even a moisturizer to the skin regimen.
Birdie has yet to meet a human that hasn’t had a bad experience with pigeons. Introduced to the USA in the 1600s, the pigeon has secured its place in the environment whether we like it or not. In places like New York City, pigeons have earned the endearing nickname ‘flying rat’. Known for their role as government drones in the ‘Birds Aren’t Real’ conspiracy, this species unsurprisingly secured itself a spot on the naughty list. If you’re smart enough to game the system, you might be able to save yourself from the long lines and postage at USPS by enlisting a pigeon to deliver your holiday cards this season.
Red-tailed hawks are rarely credited for their hard work as voice-over actors for eagles. The infamous shriek has been used for years to embellish the bald eagle’s superiority and cover up their lesser known chirp. This species’ heightened hunting abilities and speed help keep the rodent population controlled. Birdie does wonder, though, what the red-tailed hawks are hiding behind the red tail. Something to consider when making next year’s list.
Crows are notorious for their starring roles in Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, terrorizing humans with cruel tactics. Everyone knows that a group of crows is called a murder. If you’re still not convinced as to why Birdie placed crows on the naughty list, you’ll be horrified to find out that this species is well-known for stealing eggs and chicks from other birds’ nests. Though, Birdie does recognize and admire their exquisite taste in shiny objects. Birdie acknowledges that many villains are known to have fine taste and the crows’ stealing habits are too grave to dig their way out of the naughty list.
This superhero-like species, the peregrine falcon, is well known for its role in falconry bird mitigation. Their intellect makes them able to learn how to hone their predatory instincts to earn positions as facilities managers amongst many bird species. Driven by their love for treats (food), peregrine falcons have been rumored to be clocked flying at 240 mph. Of course, as with any great superhero, the authorities are willing to turn a blind eye for this species in the name of peace and order, ultimately allowing the peregrine falcon to make it on the nice list.
Osprey are unsurprisingly on the naughty list. They are well known for their inconvenient while opportunistic nest site choices. Project managers across a number of industries dread the possibility of an osprey pair selecting a key structure like a transmission tower, cell tower, and lighting structure for their five month breeding season. Even though these sea birds keep their reputation strong as gold medalists in the Olympic diving competitions, Birdie scoffs at their inconsiderate nature.
Ravens, unlike their crow cousins, have made it on to Birdie’s nice list. When in flight school, Birdie was having trouble with a math problem and turned to a raven for assistance. Addition and subtraction were no match for this smart species. While their outspoken nature contradicts their sleek color and physique, some claim that ravens are thieves. Conveniently, the ravens blame any theft on the similar looking crows. Birdie claims it values math skills more than theft accusations and has placed ravens on the nice list this year.
The last on Birdie’s naughty list is the vulture, commonly known for being a symbol of death. It’s probably because they are always waiting for someone’s or something’s demise. Vultures are known for their remarkably patient circling habits. Birdie recommends that if you find yourself under a group of circling vultures, it is in your best interest to ensure that you and any small pets have an unquestionable pulse and evacuate quickly. While their methods are unrefined, they do make up a nationwide chain of professional clean up crews.